Deep

Disclaimer
Tell me this, have you ever had those subjects in your life where you end up getting in arguments with yourself in your head? I have been debating back and forth on if to write this entry, this hasn't been a recent debate it has gone on for months. So this is not really a normal blog post, it is not a result of an event, it is not a symbol of my winter, it is not my mental state, what it is is just me. It is me spending almost two years in a secluded place away from family, friends and normal life. It is me reflecting on why I am here, what led me here and where I will end up next. This blog will have more questions than answers, but I think that is life in general. I think life is just a big compound multiple choice question. How you answer one question, depicts how you answer the next question. There will be some intimate details about me and my life that I have never shared with anyone, things that only come to someone who has nothing but time on their hands to think. So why here, why now you ask? Hell if I know, to tell you the truth I am tired, I am tired of asking myself these questions in my head, I am tired of hearing this blog draft in my head. So I am hoping that if I lay it out then it will be over and I can get back to thinking about normal guy stuff like cars, beer, boobs etc. So if you haven't already, strap on that seat belt and away we go, diving deep into my head. If you think you can hang, read on. If you have your doubts please leave now. Thanks.

The Endless Journey

The Beginning
So this could all stem from a book I am reading about the origin of humanity and how as cultures we have come and gone and what has made us do the things we do. I think at some point in everyone's life they ask themselves the questions "why am I here? what is this all for?" Well to let you know I am not going that deep, geez I am simple person I don't even really know how a TV works. But those questions open the door to more personal questions, why are you where you are in your life, what do you want out of your life, what comes next and how to get there. I fall back to my original blog post on this site Start of Something New. In that post I mentioned the reason I was in Antarctica. I was looking to move to get away from my ex, debt and stress and start new and fresh. Ok, so I am having a hard time getting this started, but screw it here we go. I look at why I am here and I can pin point it to my ex leaving me. That's right I am here because of a girl, you know those certain things that you have that when someone does them it just pisses you off so much you wont give in no matter what? I am a stubborn bastard and that's what happened, I made it clear that during good times or bad, if she walked out the door she was not coming back. Well she knew that and walked out the door, things weren't ideal at the time but it was nothing that couldn't have been fixed with a little time. Well once she left she quickly decided she wanted to come back, me being the stubborn bastard I am I continually said "no" and went about. It got to the point where I needed to move on. So that was when I started looking into Colorado and a fresh start.

Why am I telling you this unimportant back story? I am getting there, I never moved to Colorado, but I came to Antarctica and I got the opportunity to travel and see the world and meet some of the greatest people on the planet. I don't regret my choice not one bit, I love it. But the thing is, is that instead of moving to Colorado where I would have met someone new and moved on, I came to Antarctica and although I have moved on in a physical aspect ;) I have not had the chance to move on in a mental aspect and this bothers me. So it has been almost two and a half years and I still have feelings for someone who walked out on me. So I started thinking about it and there are women in Antarctica, like I said I have had the physical connections but why have I not been able to make the mental connections? Well I look back and I feel I have talked and tried to make things work with some of the girls down here, maybe not this season but at least over the past few. The odds are stacked against me though, the male to female ratio is about 5:1 but I had two girls tell me the other night "you could have any girl on station if you wanted to" ha, I don't tell you this to sound cocky, but it made me look at myself. Do I believe that? Hell no, no way, because like I said I feel I have tried in the past, but that brings me to my next point. Every girl I have tried to have a mental relationship with I am not talking long term settle down get married, I don't even know if I want those things and I am still in my 20's there is plenty of time before any of that. A relationship though, some sort of an emotional interaction. If it last 2 days 2 months or 2 years, some sort of emotional connection to drown out the repressed one I have been holding onto for the last two and a half years. So I am all over the place and I don't know if you are following still but back to all the girls I have "tried to have an emotional relationship with" every single one of them have been unavailable, I mean they are girls that expressed that they are not interested or have boyfriends, husbands or fiances. So maybe I like the challenge, I like to see if I can get the girls that are unreachable for most guys. I am pretty competitive and I have done jacked up stuff like that in the past but this I am starting to think is something else. Is it the fact that they are safe? What kind of a mind f*uck am I to myself if that is true, the only girls I chase are the ones I know I cant have because I secretly don't want to move on or some bull shit? hmmm I am not sure this is true either, maybe I just don't want to admit it. The easy way out answer I am going with is that I am picky and I only want the best girls and at this age in life all the best girls are taken.

The Middle
So now what? Have I purposely avoided going home for the last two years so that I wouldn't have to deal with her? If I had moved on and had even one emotion filled relationship I would probably have no problem in going home and confronting her. Every guy believes that the best way to get over a girl is to "get with another" well I hate to sound like a girl boys, but getting with a girl takes care of the desires and urges but doesn't take care of the mental and emotional side. I am not an emotional person at all, so I don't know where this is coming from. I feel that I sound like a sap or a pansy. I have been known by many as the "emotionless bastard" I actually got called that. haha well back on track now, so where do I go now? Well I have just signed another two year contract at a location in the South Pacific. I am super excited and cant wait to go, but does that mean that I am still avoiding going home, or does that mean that I am young and excited to see the world and travel? Who knows these things, I am a mechanic and I get by pretty good, there are alot of open doors for me. I have alot of places I can go and be a mechanic and travel the world. This is great if I wanted to do this for the rest of my life, so do I? I don't know to tell you the truth, I love traveling the world, visiting countries most people don't, seeing parts of the world very few people do. It is great I don't want to give the opportunity up but there in lies the next question what do I want for the rest of my life? I could continue doing contract work as a mechanic until I am in my 40's when my body wont be able to lift 200 pound cylinder heads and torque bolts to 500 foot pounds. Then what, though I am 40 sure I have seen the world and haven't had any bills for the last 15 years, but now I am 40, no place to call home, no family of my own and not enough money to retire and no skills to keep working. On the other hand I could live the American dream and move back to the states probably end up in a failed marriage, a mountain of debt, kids that hate me and still reach 40 and have no money to retire and no skills to keep working.....

The End
So where has all this aimless babbling led us? To a mountain of questions, if I go home right now I will probably fall right back in the same failed routine and get back with an ex that didn't want to be with me. If I continue to do contract jobs I will live a happy life, get to see the world and be able to help myself and my family financially if it is ever needed, but I will probably never get married have a family etc. So this is the ultimate question. The question everyone asks themselves at some point in there life, "do I want to get married and have kids?" I cant fully answer that question, I would have to say that I hope one day I find a woman that I can love and have a wonderful fulfilling relationship with, do we need to get married to have that relationship? No, I think we could be just as happy if we had a piece of paper that said we loved each other or not. Kids, ehh I know that I cant handle them right now, what the future may bring is another question, but at the moment I can barely take care of myself and answer my own questions let alone take care of a kid and answer theirs. So what if I throw a curve ball in there. What if I decide that if I move back to the states I will move to Colorado and I will go back to school to become an Engineer? hmmm here is a thought, if I was an engineer with the strong mechanical background I have I could find a good job pretty easy, making enough money to support a great life and a retirement. It would allow me to work till I was ready to retire not till when my body said no more. Also when I do retire I would still have enough strength in my body to enjoy life and travel instead of being the broken old man on the porch. So with these answers I make my next step, I combine several choices and make my own future. James Dean said "Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today" it is my favorite quote of all time and that's what I live my life by, I am cursed with being a planner so I plan out my life but I am also open minded to change and make the best out of things as they come and make changes to my plan. You cant plan out your whole life, no one knows what will happen tomorrow, you could be dead so live life to the fullest today and everyday, but don't live aimlessly. Have plans and goals and set yourself up for a great future, but don't live for that future either. To many people put things off till later and then never get to do them. I have made my choice, my choice is to work contract jobs, traveling around the world for the next 2-4 years, that puts me into my late 20's. Once I have some money saved up and I have seen and experienced this great world, I will go back to the states and go back to school, get an engineering degree and start at the bottom of my career path in my early 30's with one hell of an experience field to pull from. Life is good, a little lonely but that is to be expected. Hopefully I didn't loose you, I know I was all over the place and it probably was not the best written blog, but I guess I don't open up much and when I do, I ramble and stray all over the place because I am nervous and that is probably how this blog came out. Till next time I leave you with some recent events. Good night.

Aurora's and the Light
I have finally got to see some Aurora's, the pictures didn't come out that good, but they are the best I got. It has been truly amazing down here the last few weeks the stars have been out and bright. The Aurora's have been everywhere and in one of the pictures I don't know if you can see or not but there is a mountain with faint Aurora's going behind it and a red dot at the top of the mountain, that is Mt. Erebus the worlds southern most active volcano and the red dot is the glow from the lava pool, how cool is that. The sun is returning and the sky has been beautiful shades of reds, pinks and purples. I have been able to see the Royal Society mountain range across the channel for the first time in months with a light dusting of pink. The season is coming to a close and our first plane lands in less than one month, it is coming quick, I don't want to leave but I also really want to leave. Like I have been saying in this blog over the last few months my favorite time of year down here is the change in seasons. It is absolutely beautiful. I am looking forward to going home and seeing family and being there for my best friend that I have known since kindergarten as he walks down the isle.

About Time

So a lot has happened since I last wrote, I have been wanting to sit down and write but have found myself busy with work. Those of you that know me know that when I say I am busy with work, things aren't ideal with the station. I am the power plant mechanic, you don't want me to busy. So if I have been away or if you have felt unloved it is nothing personal, I am alive and well I just happen to have a job that requires me to put it before all else when I am needed.


Mid-Winter
To me I did not think Mid-Winter Day was going to be a mile stone for me, I have been on the Ice since early Sept of last year and in total I am on my 20th out of 22 months in Antarctica. So a mid way point of this season was not a big deal to me. I have been mid way done for a long time already, for this is what I thought. The station came together and we found ourselves celebrating the night away without a care in the world. I think that maybe because others around me had hit a mile stone of the season it made me feel as if I had as well. For that one night the station almost felt like a community instead of a bunch of strangers living together. It did not last longer than that night, but at least we had that night. So Mid-Winter is the celebration of the winter solstice, the darkest day of the year. From that day it will slowly get lighter and lighter until the sun rises again in about a month or so. It was strange all though we haven't seen a glow on the horizon in quite a few weeks, the very next week after Mid-Winter I saw the first faint glow on the horizon from the sun. It was great, I was on my way up the hill for lunch and normally all I see is stars the moon and whatever the moon lights up, but not that day. The station sits in a cove surrounded by hills, and on that day with the moon at my back the hill in front of me was lit up from behind. I knew right then that it was the sun, I knew right then that time was coming to a close. The reality that this season is over in less than 2 months and a new season with new people will be here in less than 2 months has begun to set in. As difficult as this season has been for me both mentally and physically, I am not sure I am ready for it to be over. I have not conquered the obstacles I set out, I will be busy to complete these obstacles in the next few weeks as I try and get as much out of this winter as I can before it is gone. I almost feel as if I pissed away the winter, I didn't take advantage of what it had to offer, I look back and realize that there was nothing helping me along though, there was nothing screaming for me to take advantage of it. I have seen alot of great things this winter and I have done a lot of great things and I have found a part of me I never knew existed. So I have made a lot out of this winter, but for some reason I am left with the feeling of wanting more, I wanted more out of the winter. I don't know what more I could of gotten, but I will continue to look for the next few weeks and hopefully I can find it.


South Pole
So something else has began to set in as the sky begins to get brighter and brighter each day at lunch. I have began to realize that I am leaving this place, I am leaving Pole. Technically I left Pole in February but, I have spent the last 2 summer seasons there. Pole is the only station in Antarctica that feels like home when I am there. The engines down in the power plant there I feel a connection to. I feel an ownership over them, so I take care of them and that plant as if they were my own property or my own children. Here at McMurdo and at Palmer I never felt that connection, it feels like I am cheating like I am babysitting someone elses kids. So I have signed a contract for my next job, it is not in Antarctica, it is not Pole, it is probably the closest thing you can get to opposite of Antarctica. I am extremely excited about this and I am looking forward to going but that too has had a role in knowing that I will not return to Pole for this summer, I feel like I am leaving home for the first time again. All the factors, me signing a new contract, the sun returning bringing with it the end of winter, all my close friends from South Pole that are PQ-ing and getting ready to re-deploy to Pole for this season. All those factors make me realize that I am not going back to Pole and I am a bit sad, I never thought I would be because I have multiple frustrations with the program and the fact that I have been here for almost 2 years straight. But for some reason I am going to miss South Pole and miss all the great people and friends that work there.


This Winter
So this winter has allowed me to see some of the most amazing, brilliant and totally unexplainable sunsets and sunrises. I have seen a sky speckled with more stars than I have ever seen in my life. I have been in and experienced record breaking storms for Antarctica. I have never before experienced wind that blows as hard and as fast as down here, I have never before been in a storm where I can barely see my hands in front of my face because there is so much snow blowing around me. I got to see the moon lit up as bright red, orange and yellow almost as if it was the sun. I never knew the moon could be any other color but white or faint yellow. When you see the moon set behind Black Island a blood red sphere in the sky, it makes you realize there probably isn't anywhere else on the planet where you can experience that, and I got to see it. The last few days that faint glow I described as the back light of the hills has been a solid crimson red color. Yesterday was breath taking, I had to just stand there and stare for awhile even though the wind was howling and it was -54F windchill. It was amazing because the sky was overcast and cloudy and you could see the clouds for the first time in months. The clouds were lit up with the faint crimson color that was back lighting the hills. It was almost as if the sky was bleeding, I don't think I am going to be able to describe it fully because there aren't many words that could explain it. Normally you cant see the clouds, it is so dark here that the only way you know it is cloudy is if you cant see the stars. So this brings me to my final amazing Antarctic beauty the Auroras (Southern Lights) that is right...... I still haven't seen any :( being able to see Auroras was the major reason I decided to winter and I have yet to see them. One day last week in the middle of the day I guess the Auroras were the brightest they have been all season and they cut across the sky and straight through the middle of the moon, would of been a great picture, hell it would have been amazing just to see that in person. I was working, I did not get to see it. So with the sun coming back and the winter coming to a close, my chances to see Auroras goes down every day, maybe one day I might get lucky and get the chance to see them (side note: I have gone out several nights, even in some of the worst weather so I could catch a glimpse but still haven't, so I have tried)