Deep

Disclaimer
Tell me this, have you ever had those subjects in your life where you end up getting in arguments with yourself in your head? I have been debating back and forth on if to write this entry, this hasn't been a recent debate it has gone on for months. So this is not really a normal blog post, it is not a result of an event, it is not a symbol of my winter, it is not my mental state, what it is is just me. It is me spending almost two years in a secluded place away from family, friends and normal life. It is me reflecting on why I am here, what led me here and where I will end up next. This blog will have more questions than answers, but I think that is life in general. I think life is just a big compound multiple choice question. How you answer one question, depicts how you answer the next question. There will be some intimate details about me and my life that I have never shared with anyone, things that only come to someone who has nothing but time on their hands to think. So why here, why now you ask? Hell if I know, to tell you the truth I am tired, I am tired of asking myself these questions in my head, I am tired of hearing this blog draft in my head. So I am hoping that if I lay it out then it will be over and I can get back to thinking about normal guy stuff like cars, beer, boobs etc. So if you haven't already, strap on that seat belt and away we go, diving deep into my head. If you think you can hang, read on. If you have your doubts please leave now. Thanks.

The Endless Journey

The Beginning
So this could all stem from a book I am reading about the origin of humanity and how as cultures we have come and gone and what has made us do the things we do. I think at some point in everyone's life they ask themselves the questions "why am I here? what is this all for?" Well to let you know I am not going that deep, geez I am simple person I don't even really know how a TV works. But those questions open the door to more personal questions, why are you where you are in your life, what do you want out of your life, what comes next and how to get there. I fall back to my original blog post on this site Start of Something New. In that post I mentioned the reason I was in Antarctica. I was looking to move to get away from my ex, debt and stress and start new and fresh. Ok, so I am having a hard time getting this started, but screw it here we go. I look at why I am here and I can pin point it to my ex leaving me. That's right I am here because of a girl, you know those certain things that you have that when someone does them it just pisses you off so much you wont give in no matter what? I am a stubborn bastard and that's what happened, I made it clear that during good times or bad, if she walked out the door she was not coming back. Well she knew that and walked out the door, things weren't ideal at the time but it was nothing that couldn't have been fixed with a little time. Well once she left she quickly decided she wanted to come back, me being the stubborn bastard I am I continually said "no" and went about. It got to the point where I needed to move on. So that was when I started looking into Colorado and a fresh start.

Why am I telling you this unimportant back story? I am getting there, I never moved to Colorado, but I came to Antarctica and I got the opportunity to travel and see the world and meet some of the greatest people on the planet. I don't regret my choice not one bit, I love it. But the thing is, is that instead of moving to Colorado where I would have met someone new and moved on, I came to Antarctica and although I have moved on in a physical aspect ;) I have not had the chance to move on in a mental aspect and this bothers me. So it has been almost two and a half years and I still have feelings for someone who walked out on me. So I started thinking about it and there are women in Antarctica, like I said I have had the physical connections but why have I not been able to make the mental connections? Well I look back and I feel I have talked and tried to make things work with some of the girls down here, maybe not this season but at least over the past few. The odds are stacked against me though, the male to female ratio is about 5:1 but I had two girls tell me the other night "you could have any girl on station if you wanted to" ha, I don't tell you this to sound cocky, but it made me look at myself. Do I believe that? Hell no, no way, because like I said I feel I have tried in the past, but that brings me to my next point. Every girl I have tried to have a mental relationship with I am not talking long term settle down get married, I don't even know if I want those things and I am still in my 20's there is plenty of time before any of that. A relationship though, some sort of an emotional interaction. If it last 2 days 2 months or 2 years, some sort of emotional connection to drown out the repressed one I have been holding onto for the last two and a half years. So I am all over the place and I don't know if you are following still but back to all the girls I have "tried to have an emotional relationship with" every single one of them have been unavailable, I mean they are girls that expressed that they are not interested or have boyfriends, husbands or fiances. So maybe I like the challenge, I like to see if I can get the girls that are unreachable for most guys. I am pretty competitive and I have done jacked up stuff like that in the past but this I am starting to think is something else. Is it the fact that they are safe? What kind of a mind f*uck am I to myself if that is true, the only girls I chase are the ones I know I cant have because I secretly don't want to move on or some bull shit? hmmm I am not sure this is true either, maybe I just don't want to admit it. The easy way out answer I am going with is that I am picky and I only want the best girls and at this age in life all the best girls are taken.

The Middle
So now what? Have I purposely avoided going home for the last two years so that I wouldn't have to deal with her? If I had moved on and had even one emotion filled relationship I would probably have no problem in going home and confronting her. Every guy believes that the best way to get over a girl is to "get with another" well I hate to sound like a girl boys, but getting with a girl takes care of the desires and urges but doesn't take care of the mental and emotional side. I am not an emotional person at all, so I don't know where this is coming from. I feel that I sound like a sap or a pansy. I have been known by many as the "emotionless bastard" I actually got called that. haha well back on track now, so where do I go now? Well I have just signed another two year contract at a location in the South Pacific. I am super excited and cant wait to go, but does that mean that I am still avoiding going home, or does that mean that I am young and excited to see the world and travel? Who knows these things, I am a mechanic and I get by pretty good, there are alot of open doors for me. I have alot of places I can go and be a mechanic and travel the world. This is great if I wanted to do this for the rest of my life, so do I? I don't know to tell you the truth, I love traveling the world, visiting countries most people don't, seeing parts of the world very few people do. It is great I don't want to give the opportunity up but there in lies the next question what do I want for the rest of my life? I could continue doing contract work as a mechanic until I am in my 40's when my body wont be able to lift 200 pound cylinder heads and torque bolts to 500 foot pounds. Then what, though I am 40 sure I have seen the world and haven't had any bills for the last 15 years, but now I am 40, no place to call home, no family of my own and not enough money to retire and no skills to keep working. On the other hand I could live the American dream and move back to the states probably end up in a failed marriage, a mountain of debt, kids that hate me and still reach 40 and have no money to retire and no skills to keep working.....

The End
So where has all this aimless babbling led us? To a mountain of questions, if I go home right now I will probably fall right back in the same failed routine and get back with an ex that didn't want to be with me. If I continue to do contract jobs I will live a happy life, get to see the world and be able to help myself and my family financially if it is ever needed, but I will probably never get married have a family etc. So this is the ultimate question. The question everyone asks themselves at some point in there life, "do I want to get married and have kids?" I cant fully answer that question, I would have to say that I hope one day I find a woman that I can love and have a wonderful fulfilling relationship with, do we need to get married to have that relationship? No, I think we could be just as happy if we had a piece of paper that said we loved each other or not. Kids, ehh I know that I cant handle them right now, what the future may bring is another question, but at the moment I can barely take care of myself and answer my own questions let alone take care of a kid and answer theirs. So what if I throw a curve ball in there. What if I decide that if I move back to the states I will move to Colorado and I will go back to school to become an Engineer? hmmm here is a thought, if I was an engineer with the strong mechanical background I have I could find a good job pretty easy, making enough money to support a great life and a retirement. It would allow me to work till I was ready to retire not till when my body said no more. Also when I do retire I would still have enough strength in my body to enjoy life and travel instead of being the broken old man on the porch. So with these answers I make my next step, I combine several choices and make my own future. James Dean said "Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today" it is my favorite quote of all time and that's what I live my life by, I am cursed with being a planner so I plan out my life but I am also open minded to change and make the best out of things as they come and make changes to my plan. You cant plan out your whole life, no one knows what will happen tomorrow, you could be dead so live life to the fullest today and everyday, but don't live aimlessly. Have plans and goals and set yourself up for a great future, but don't live for that future either. To many people put things off till later and then never get to do them. I have made my choice, my choice is to work contract jobs, traveling around the world for the next 2-4 years, that puts me into my late 20's. Once I have some money saved up and I have seen and experienced this great world, I will go back to the states and go back to school, get an engineering degree and start at the bottom of my career path in my early 30's with one hell of an experience field to pull from. Life is good, a little lonely but that is to be expected. Hopefully I didn't loose you, I know I was all over the place and it probably was not the best written blog, but I guess I don't open up much and when I do, I ramble and stray all over the place because I am nervous and that is probably how this blog came out. Till next time I leave you with some recent events. Good night.

Aurora's and the Light
I have finally got to see some Aurora's, the pictures didn't come out that good, but they are the best I got. It has been truly amazing down here the last few weeks the stars have been out and bright. The Aurora's have been everywhere and in one of the pictures I don't know if you can see or not but there is a mountain with faint Aurora's going behind it and a red dot at the top of the mountain, that is Mt. Erebus the worlds southern most active volcano and the red dot is the glow from the lava pool, how cool is that. The sun is returning and the sky has been beautiful shades of reds, pinks and purples. I have been able to see the Royal Society mountain range across the channel for the first time in months with a light dusting of pink. The season is coming to a close and our first plane lands in less than one month, it is coming quick, I don't want to leave but I also really want to leave. Like I have been saying in this blog over the last few months my favorite time of year down here is the change in seasons. It is absolutely beautiful. I am looking forward to going home and seeing family and being there for my best friend that I have known since kindergarten as he walks down the isle.