Deep

Disclaimer
Tell me this, have you ever had those subjects in your life where you end up getting in arguments with yourself in your head? I have been debating back and forth on if to write this entry, this hasn't been a recent debate it has gone on for months. So this is not really a normal blog post, it is not a result of an event, it is not a symbol of my winter, it is not my mental state, what it is is just me. It is me spending almost two years in a secluded place away from family, friends and normal life. It is me reflecting on why I am here, what led me here and where I will end up next. This blog will have more questions than answers, but I think that is life in general. I think life is just a big compound multiple choice question. How you answer one question, depicts how you answer the next question. There will be some intimate details about me and my life that I have never shared with anyone, things that only come to someone who has nothing but time on their hands to think. So why here, why now you ask? Hell if I know, to tell you the truth I am tired, I am tired of asking myself these questions in my head, I am tired of hearing this blog draft in my head. So I am hoping that if I lay it out then it will be over and I can get back to thinking about normal guy stuff like cars, beer, boobs etc. So if you haven't already, strap on that seat belt and away we go, diving deep into my head. If you think you can hang, read on. If you have your doubts please leave now. Thanks.

The Endless Journey

The Beginning
So this could all stem from a book I am reading about the origin of humanity and how as cultures we have come and gone and what has made us do the things we do. I think at some point in everyone's life they ask themselves the questions "why am I here? what is this all for?" Well to let you know I am not going that deep, geez I am simple person I don't even really know how a TV works. But those questions open the door to more personal questions, why are you where you are in your life, what do you want out of your life, what comes next and how to get there. I fall back to my original blog post on this site Start of Something New. In that post I mentioned the reason I was in Antarctica. I was looking to move to get away from my ex, debt and stress and start new and fresh. Ok, so I am having a hard time getting this started, but screw it here we go. I look at why I am here and I can pin point it to my ex leaving me. That's right I am here because of a girl, you know those certain things that you have that when someone does them it just pisses you off so much you wont give in no matter what? I am a stubborn bastard and that's what happened, I made it clear that during good times or bad, if she walked out the door she was not coming back. Well she knew that and walked out the door, things weren't ideal at the time but it was nothing that couldn't have been fixed with a little time. Well once she left she quickly decided she wanted to come back, me being the stubborn bastard I am I continually said "no" and went about. It got to the point where I needed to move on. So that was when I started looking into Colorado and a fresh start.

Why am I telling you this unimportant back story? I am getting there, I never moved to Colorado, but I came to Antarctica and I got the opportunity to travel and see the world and meet some of the greatest people on the planet. I don't regret my choice not one bit, I love it. But the thing is, is that instead of moving to Colorado where I would have met someone new and moved on, I came to Antarctica and although I have moved on in a physical aspect ;) I have not had the chance to move on in a mental aspect and this bothers me. So it has been almost two and a half years and I still have feelings for someone who walked out on me. So I started thinking about it and there are women in Antarctica, like I said I have had the physical connections but why have I not been able to make the mental connections? Well I look back and I feel I have talked and tried to make things work with some of the girls down here, maybe not this season but at least over the past few. The odds are stacked against me though, the male to female ratio is about 5:1 but I had two girls tell me the other night "you could have any girl on station if you wanted to" ha, I don't tell you this to sound cocky, but it made me look at myself. Do I believe that? Hell no, no way, because like I said I feel I have tried in the past, but that brings me to my next point. Every girl I have tried to have a mental relationship with I am not talking long term settle down get married, I don't even know if I want those things and I am still in my 20's there is plenty of time before any of that. A relationship though, some sort of an emotional interaction. If it last 2 days 2 months or 2 years, some sort of emotional connection to drown out the repressed one I have been holding onto for the last two and a half years. So I am all over the place and I don't know if you are following still but back to all the girls I have "tried to have an emotional relationship with" every single one of them have been unavailable, I mean they are girls that expressed that they are not interested or have boyfriends, husbands or fiances. So maybe I like the challenge, I like to see if I can get the girls that are unreachable for most guys. I am pretty competitive and I have done jacked up stuff like that in the past but this I am starting to think is something else. Is it the fact that they are safe? What kind of a mind f*uck am I to myself if that is true, the only girls I chase are the ones I know I cant have because I secretly don't want to move on or some bull shit? hmmm I am not sure this is true either, maybe I just don't want to admit it. The easy way out answer I am going with is that I am picky and I only want the best girls and at this age in life all the best girls are taken.

The Middle
So now what? Have I purposely avoided going home for the last two years so that I wouldn't have to deal with her? If I had moved on and had even one emotion filled relationship I would probably have no problem in going home and confronting her. Every guy believes that the best way to get over a girl is to "get with another" well I hate to sound like a girl boys, but getting with a girl takes care of the desires and urges but doesn't take care of the mental and emotional side. I am not an emotional person at all, so I don't know where this is coming from. I feel that I sound like a sap or a pansy. I have been known by many as the "emotionless bastard" I actually got called that. haha well back on track now, so where do I go now? Well I have just signed another two year contract at a location in the South Pacific. I am super excited and cant wait to go, but does that mean that I am still avoiding going home, or does that mean that I am young and excited to see the world and travel? Who knows these things, I am a mechanic and I get by pretty good, there are alot of open doors for me. I have alot of places I can go and be a mechanic and travel the world. This is great if I wanted to do this for the rest of my life, so do I? I don't know to tell you the truth, I love traveling the world, visiting countries most people don't, seeing parts of the world very few people do. It is great I don't want to give the opportunity up but there in lies the next question what do I want for the rest of my life? I could continue doing contract work as a mechanic until I am in my 40's when my body wont be able to lift 200 pound cylinder heads and torque bolts to 500 foot pounds. Then what, though I am 40 sure I have seen the world and haven't had any bills for the last 15 years, but now I am 40, no place to call home, no family of my own and not enough money to retire and no skills to keep working. On the other hand I could live the American dream and move back to the states probably end up in a failed marriage, a mountain of debt, kids that hate me and still reach 40 and have no money to retire and no skills to keep working.....

The End
So where has all this aimless babbling led us? To a mountain of questions, if I go home right now I will probably fall right back in the same failed routine and get back with an ex that didn't want to be with me. If I continue to do contract jobs I will live a happy life, get to see the world and be able to help myself and my family financially if it is ever needed, but I will probably never get married have a family etc. So this is the ultimate question. The question everyone asks themselves at some point in there life, "do I want to get married and have kids?" I cant fully answer that question, I would have to say that I hope one day I find a woman that I can love and have a wonderful fulfilling relationship with, do we need to get married to have that relationship? No, I think we could be just as happy if we had a piece of paper that said we loved each other or not. Kids, ehh I know that I cant handle them right now, what the future may bring is another question, but at the moment I can barely take care of myself and answer my own questions let alone take care of a kid and answer theirs. So what if I throw a curve ball in there. What if I decide that if I move back to the states I will move to Colorado and I will go back to school to become an Engineer? hmmm here is a thought, if I was an engineer with the strong mechanical background I have I could find a good job pretty easy, making enough money to support a great life and a retirement. It would allow me to work till I was ready to retire not till when my body said no more. Also when I do retire I would still have enough strength in my body to enjoy life and travel instead of being the broken old man on the porch. So with these answers I make my next step, I combine several choices and make my own future. James Dean said "Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today" it is my favorite quote of all time and that's what I live my life by, I am cursed with being a planner so I plan out my life but I am also open minded to change and make the best out of things as they come and make changes to my plan. You cant plan out your whole life, no one knows what will happen tomorrow, you could be dead so live life to the fullest today and everyday, but don't live aimlessly. Have plans and goals and set yourself up for a great future, but don't live for that future either. To many people put things off till later and then never get to do them. I have made my choice, my choice is to work contract jobs, traveling around the world for the next 2-4 years, that puts me into my late 20's. Once I have some money saved up and I have seen and experienced this great world, I will go back to the states and go back to school, get an engineering degree and start at the bottom of my career path in my early 30's with one hell of an experience field to pull from. Life is good, a little lonely but that is to be expected. Hopefully I didn't loose you, I know I was all over the place and it probably was not the best written blog, but I guess I don't open up much and when I do, I ramble and stray all over the place because I am nervous and that is probably how this blog came out. Till next time I leave you with some recent events. Good night.

Aurora's and the Light
I have finally got to see some Aurora's, the pictures didn't come out that good, but they are the best I got. It has been truly amazing down here the last few weeks the stars have been out and bright. The Aurora's have been everywhere and in one of the pictures I don't know if you can see or not but there is a mountain with faint Aurora's going behind it and a red dot at the top of the mountain, that is Mt. Erebus the worlds southern most active volcano and the red dot is the glow from the lava pool, how cool is that. The sun is returning and the sky has been beautiful shades of reds, pinks and purples. I have been able to see the Royal Society mountain range across the channel for the first time in months with a light dusting of pink. The season is coming to a close and our first plane lands in less than one month, it is coming quick, I don't want to leave but I also really want to leave. Like I have been saying in this blog over the last few months my favorite time of year down here is the change in seasons. It is absolutely beautiful. I am looking forward to going home and seeing family and being there for my best friend that I have known since kindergarten as he walks down the isle.

About Time

So a lot has happened since I last wrote, I have been wanting to sit down and write but have found myself busy with work. Those of you that know me know that when I say I am busy with work, things aren't ideal with the station. I am the power plant mechanic, you don't want me to busy. So if I have been away or if you have felt unloved it is nothing personal, I am alive and well I just happen to have a job that requires me to put it before all else when I am needed.


Mid-Winter
To me I did not think Mid-Winter Day was going to be a mile stone for me, I have been on the Ice since early Sept of last year and in total I am on my 20th out of 22 months in Antarctica. So a mid way point of this season was not a big deal to me. I have been mid way done for a long time already, for this is what I thought. The station came together and we found ourselves celebrating the night away without a care in the world. I think that maybe because others around me had hit a mile stone of the season it made me feel as if I had as well. For that one night the station almost felt like a community instead of a bunch of strangers living together. It did not last longer than that night, but at least we had that night. So Mid-Winter is the celebration of the winter solstice, the darkest day of the year. From that day it will slowly get lighter and lighter until the sun rises again in about a month or so. It was strange all though we haven't seen a glow on the horizon in quite a few weeks, the very next week after Mid-Winter I saw the first faint glow on the horizon from the sun. It was great, I was on my way up the hill for lunch and normally all I see is stars the moon and whatever the moon lights up, but not that day. The station sits in a cove surrounded by hills, and on that day with the moon at my back the hill in front of me was lit up from behind. I knew right then that it was the sun, I knew right then that time was coming to a close. The reality that this season is over in less than 2 months and a new season with new people will be here in less than 2 months has begun to set in. As difficult as this season has been for me both mentally and physically, I am not sure I am ready for it to be over. I have not conquered the obstacles I set out, I will be busy to complete these obstacles in the next few weeks as I try and get as much out of this winter as I can before it is gone. I almost feel as if I pissed away the winter, I didn't take advantage of what it had to offer, I look back and realize that there was nothing helping me along though, there was nothing screaming for me to take advantage of it. I have seen alot of great things this winter and I have done a lot of great things and I have found a part of me I never knew existed. So I have made a lot out of this winter, but for some reason I am left with the feeling of wanting more, I wanted more out of the winter. I don't know what more I could of gotten, but I will continue to look for the next few weeks and hopefully I can find it.


South Pole
So something else has began to set in as the sky begins to get brighter and brighter each day at lunch. I have began to realize that I am leaving this place, I am leaving Pole. Technically I left Pole in February but, I have spent the last 2 summer seasons there. Pole is the only station in Antarctica that feels like home when I am there. The engines down in the power plant there I feel a connection to. I feel an ownership over them, so I take care of them and that plant as if they were my own property or my own children. Here at McMurdo and at Palmer I never felt that connection, it feels like I am cheating like I am babysitting someone elses kids. So I have signed a contract for my next job, it is not in Antarctica, it is not Pole, it is probably the closest thing you can get to opposite of Antarctica. I am extremely excited about this and I am looking forward to going but that too has had a role in knowing that I will not return to Pole for this summer, I feel like I am leaving home for the first time again. All the factors, me signing a new contract, the sun returning bringing with it the end of winter, all my close friends from South Pole that are PQ-ing and getting ready to re-deploy to Pole for this season. All those factors make me realize that I am not going back to Pole and I am a bit sad, I never thought I would be because I have multiple frustrations with the program and the fact that I have been here for almost 2 years straight. But for some reason I am going to miss South Pole and miss all the great people and friends that work there.


This Winter
So this winter has allowed me to see some of the most amazing, brilliant and totally unexplainable sunsets and sunrises. I have seen a sky speckled with more stars than I have ever seen in my life. I have been in and experienced record breaking storms for Antarctica. I have never before experienced wind that blows as hard and as fast as down here, I have never before been in a storm where I can barely see my hands in front of my face because there is so much snow blowing around me. I got to see the moon lit up as bright red, orange and yellow almost as if it was the sun. I never knew the moon could be any other color but white or faint yellow. When you see the moon set behind Black Island a blood red sphere in the sky, it makes you realize there probably isn't anywhere else on the planet where you can experience that, and I got to see it. The last few days that faint glow I described as the back light of the hills has been a solid crimson red color. Yesterday was breath taking, I had to just stand there and stare for awhile even though the wind was howling and it was -54F windchill. It was amazing because the sky was overcast and cloudy and you could see the clouds for the first time in months. The clouds were lit up with the faint crimson color that was back lighting the hills. It was almost as if the sky was bleeding, I don't think I am going to be able to describe it fully because there aren't many words that could explain it. Normally you cant see the clouds, it is so dark here that the only way you know it is cloudy is if you cant see the stars. So this brings me to my final amazing Antarctic beauty the Auroras (Southern Lights) that is right...... I still haven't seen any :( being able to see Auroras was the major reason I decided to winter and I have yet to see them. One day last week in the middle of the day I guess the Auroras were the brightest they have been all season and they cut across the sky and straight through the middle of the moon, would of been a great picture, hell it would have been amazing just to see that in person. I was working, I did not get to see it. So with the sun coming back and the winter coming to a close, my chances to see Auroras goes down every day, maybe one day I might get lucky and get the chance to see them (side note: I have gone out several nights, even in some of the worst weather so I could catch a glimpse but still haven't, so I have tried)

Madness

"Oh my god, did you hear?" This seems to be how every conversation lately has started. Anyone that is familiar with The Ice is familiar with "The Rumor Mill". I am sure if you lived in a small town anywhere in the world, you would have rumor mill. Out of all three stations it seems to be the worst here though. It is strange, people just thrive on it here. Luckily I have not been the topic of a rumor yet this season, well at least not that I have known about. I try to not get involved in the malicious act but once someone gets people fired up, it can be easy to fall into. You can try and ignore it but the only real way to avoid it is to avoid being around people. This is not the only thing that has been stirring around here though. Typically the people spreading the rumor mill are the same people who have extremely negative attitudes in general. Rumor mill is one thing, you can ignore that most of the time but being surrounded by the negative attitudes is something that you cant escape here and you don't realize it is having an effect on you until you become that negative person.

The other day we hit the half way point between the last plane of the summer and the first plane of next summer. What does that mean? It means out of the almost exact 6 months without contact to the real world, we are half way done. I normally am a pessimist, but this is one thing I am looking at the good side of. The majority of people are walking around going I cant believe we have only been here for 3 months. Myself, I am excited that I only have 3 months left, hell that's no time! I have been deployed since September 2nd, so 3 more months is nothing. I am probably not going to leave on those first flights, but those first flights symbolize a beginning to an end so I am excited for that. The tone of the pessimist is strong here and I found myself falling victim to it several days and just thinking about how long it has been.

When that half way point hit, I decided that I was not going to fall victim anymore. I finished a book the other day that I had started over a year ago, those of you that have known me for awhile know that I am not the strongest reader, hell I am a mechanic for god's sake. But it is something that I have made a conscious decision to do more of and get better at. I am dyslexic and have astigmatism so for the longest time I would get frustrated when reading, and would have a hard time getting into the mood to read. I am a firm believer that people should always be learning though, when you stop learning you mind stops progressing. I didn't want to be that person, and since I have chosen to I have found several books that I find myself not being able to put down. The book I just finished is called Deep Survival like I said I started it along time ago. But in this book it goes over several scenarios where people are faced with life or death situations in isolated places and the choices they made had a direct impact on if they lived or died. I am obviously not in a situation where I am faced with life or death, but I am faced with a physical and especially a mental challenge to be down here for the remainder of this winter. In the book they quote an author that said something like emotion is useless at work. This is interesting to me because I am in a situation where my home life is still work, I cant really leave work. So does that mean that I am unable to have emotion? Not necessarily, but I do find myself realizing that if you take emotion out of the equation, then most of the problems and negative attitudes here would go away.

So the book reiterates to me that for me to stay sane and survive the winter here, I need to find a way to calm my emotions. One way I have found to accomplish this is by establishing small achievable goals, not only do you get an instant gratification which feels good it helps develop a flow and rhythm to your life. I am not one for schedules, I hate them and I hate feeling obligated to do things. But having things to shoot for without the structure is more my style. I have also given up on the people here. Some of you might be shocked and think that, that isn't good. But it is good for me. Like I said since the sun has gone down and there has been a lot of issues, people here just aren't happy. They aren't happy with the dark, there jobs, there bosses, the company, the food, the other departments basically if they can think of something to complain about they will. I found myself falling into that and I didn't like it, I was not happy and complaining a lot and just in a bad spot mentally. I eat meals in the galley still, but this is really my only time I spend with the general community. I wanted everyone to be happy and have fun and do all these community activities so we could be a tight group, but no one else seems to want those things and I am not waiting for them anymore. They say the people you winter with here, you will keep in contact with them for the rest of your life. Ha, I think there is maybe 4 to 5 people I can see myself making an effort to keep in contact with, everyone else, ehhh. I have started spending my off hours in my room reading, watching movies, playing video games etc. I have other activities planned for the rest of my season, like I want to try and learn another language and start a radio show. These are all things I can do that are somewhat constructive for me and allow me to not be around the general community.

I have found myself in a focused state of mind, it is strange I am thinking a lot and researching a lot about things I would like to do in my life time, not planning them just looking you know. I was walking outside the other day, it was about -20F and no wind, the stars were out bright and the moon was setting bright red on the horizon. It was one of the coolest things I have ever seen and I realized how much I love it here. I know strange to hear I guess after all that. But this place is amazing and is one of a kind and just full of beauty. People just forget sometimes, even if you were on a tropical island you would get tired of it after awhile, because it becomes routine. That's all it is here, people who come back year after year don't remember where they are at. It becomes a job to them and they forget that "hey idiot, you are in Antarctica". The people that complain, bitch and are miserable here are the people who have been coming back for years, they bitch about amenities that they used to have that got taken away. Hey look idiot, amenities are just that amenities. "You are in Antarctica for the winter!!!" Hello people, honestly you should be grateful you have power, heat and food. But yet you hear the "why don't we have wireless internet" or "my rooms cold". Seriously, come on?

With this I started to look back at myself and I have noticed that each season I come down it is harder for me. One there is a lot more expected of me each time, but I also learn a little more about the company, how things work etc. But the main thing is, is that with each time I come down I get a little bit more used to it and forget a little bit each time about where I am. It becomes a job and less of an adventure. I don't like that, I started this for the adventure and have turned it into a job. So I have made a decision to not come back next year, not for the summer, not for the winter, not at all. When I finish this contract I will have almost 2 full years in Antarctica and I want to leave it at that. I want to leave this place with the a good taste in my mouth. I want to leave it as an adventure and the experience of a life time, not a job. So like I said I have begun to avoid people and just be content with what I have and where I am. I keep myself busy both physically and mentally and just do my own thing, avoiding the negative people and there negative attitudes. Since I have done this, I am in a lot better mood and feel great. I am happy and I get to remember the beauty of this place and just enjoy the fact that I am spending a winter in the coldest, darkest, driest place on earth, Antarctica.

The Village - a short story

There once was a man who lived his life for work, and the ability to succeed. The man gave up family, friends and relationships for this foolish cause, but what he got in return was a vast education and the ability to travel and see the world. One day the man found himself with the opportunity to travel and live on a very remote island in the South Pacific, this island was like no where else on earth. Thousands and thousands of people dream of going there, but do not have the opportunity. So the man jumps at the chance to go. The island is filled with hundreds of small villages, most speaking different languages and following different cultural backgrounds. The man spends years and years traveling around the island visiting different villages, seeing how each village interacts.

One village he stopped at is very modern and very busy, lots of hustle and bustle. All the people there are treated well, and even the youngest and newest member to the village is listened to as if he was an elder that had been running the village for years. The people at this village are people that work with each other and strive for a common goal to help the village grow and succeed. All though the village was very busy and stressful, it seemed to have just the right amount of people to complete all the required tasks. If you needed help or had questions there was always someone there for you. This village by far was the mans favorite village that he visited. The village was in a location that did not offer a lot of amenities or places to go and visit outside the village but the community members of the village always had things to do and were always filling the day with new and exciting activities. One day a change in season was approaching and strong weather system arrived at the village, this forced the man and most the village people away. Only a select few stayed at the village to hold out through the extreme storm. Most the villagers that were forced to flee left the island never to return, the man would never again see these great people who he so enjoyed living with and taking part in there community. That thought saddened the man, but he did what he knew and began to move on. The man wandered all over this island searching and searching for the next place he could call home.

When one day the man ran across a very small village right on the coast, this was a tropical location, wildlife flourishing all around. The man engaged the village leader asking if he could come and stay with them, he could provide them with skills that would come later to be very useful to the village. This village was great as well, since it was so small every person had to put in twice as much work as the prior village, but the villagers valued a slow paced quiet life, which was different from the last village. The man, all though very busy and overwhelmed with work was very happy to be at this village. He found himself sitting outside on the beach listening to the waves crashing on the shore as he watched the sunset behind the hills. "The beauty of the world" the man would say. The man could go hiking and sailing even chase the deer through the meadows. At this village the man worked hard but played harder, he did not want to leave this village. He could envision himself growing old there watching the seasons change and the years pass. But one day the winds came from the north and brought with it a boat, not just any boat a boat carrying a village elder that had lived at the village long before the man had arrived. This elder liked the man, but decided he must leave. The man's skills were no longer needed at the village and the village was to small for both of them, so the man packed his bags and waited for the wind to change direction and away he went, looking back at the island wishing how he could stay but at the same time the man was relieved to go home. Since he had left for this island many years had passed since he had seen his family. The man was excited to go home and see his loved ones, tell them about all the great places he had lived on this island, all the great people he had met and the wildlife he had seen.

As the man lay in his bed on the boat waiting to arrive at his homeland, the wind suddenly changed direction and a gale storm was upon them. The boat rocked side to side waves crashing over the bow. Lighting and thunder all around them, rain falling down like a wall of water. The Captain fought to keep the boat going north, but the winds kept pushing them south. The storm lasted for days, the Captain and the crew doing everything they could to keep the vessel upright in the wind and constant crashing of the waves. Finally the journey ended as the boat crashed onto the rocks, the sails ripping apart, the wood crumbling like wet sand. The man was thrown from his bed, on the floor he realizes water is coming on board and slowly beginning to engulf the boat. The man, rushes to the top deck and flees the boat with the rest of the crew. The Captain stayed aboard grasping the mast as it sank slowly into the ocean. The man and the crew quickly swam to the rocks that had sank there boat and waited out the storm. The next morning the clouds parted and the sun began to shine through the sky as if nothing had happened, it was a beautiful morning. The man got up and began to look around. He was back on the island, the same island he had just left. He spotted a village off in the distance, he knew this village he had stopped by there in his travels. Maybe they will take him and the crew in and help them.

The man arrives at the new village and finds the village Chief, he tells the Chief there story and begs for assistance. The Chief grants the men permission to stay, but they must be part of the community and work like everyone else. The man and the crew quickly agree and thank the Chief. The Chief informs the man that they are at war with a neighboring island and that they do not expect to see any more ships for many months and they must wait here at the village until a ship arrives. The man asked the Chief if he was allowed to leave and try and find the small village he just left. The Chief said "No" and said he must stay in the village at all times. The man thought this was unfair but was grateful that the Chief took him in so he agreed and quickly fell into routine of living at the village. This village all though similar to the last two villages was very different. The man began to notice that the villagers were not allowed to talk to one another or do any type of activities as a group.

The villagers were very mean and angry all the time with each other as well as with the Chief and his Council. The Chief and his Council did not allow the villagers to make choices or think for themselves. The village was dictated by the Chief and his Council and all choices and decisions had to go through them and be decided by them. The man realized that the reason the villagers were not allowed to communicate with each other was so that they couldn't work together and overthrow the Chief and his Council. If villagers were caught performing tasks that were not specifically assigned by the Council they were whipped, if they got caught again they were stoned. The village had a very sad feeling to it, the villagers who were once intelligent, hard working people now had there spirits beaten down and did nothing but pray for the next ship to arrive. The man went to work everyday and went home every night, he went days, weeks even months without human contact. One day the man's letters stopped coming, we received word that after months and months the neighboring enemy island snuck in a ship and saved most of the villagers from the torment and rule of the Chief.

Maybe the man is still there, maybe he didn't get out. Maybe the Chief is still watching him like he is a child that cant do anything right. Maybe the man couldn't take it anymore and ran away from the village, ran out in search of that small village he loved so much. Maybe the man was caught trying to flee and was sentenced to be stoned by the Chief and his Council. We may never know what happened to the man, all we know is his story and how much he loved the two villages he lived at where everyone was equal, everyone was part of a community united for a single goal. Maybe one day some one can bring that same mentality to the village where the man was last heard from. The man once said that if he could leave this village he would live less for work and live more for family and friends.

The Darkness......

Tell me this, when you look up in the sky at night what do you see? I know that when I was growing up if you were to go outside and look up, even on a clear night all you would see was black. I am talking clear nights, with not a single cloud in the sky all you would see was black and if you were to drive out away from town and you were lucky you could see the North Star. That was it, no stars, no constellations, no planets, nothing. The glow of the city stretched for miles and miles beyond its city limits. Only if you were far out in the country or way up in the mountains did you get the opportunity to see any stars. I remember a camping trip I took with my family, we went camping once a year up in the mountains for as long as I can remember growing up. The place we went to was so far off the beaten path and so far into the mountains it took hours and hours to get to. I remember when I was younger I hated it because the drive was so long, all my friends went camping at places that were close by, why couldn't we? I look back now and there is no place I would have rather gone, the place was beautiful and it was what camping was all about. Being out in the woods sleeping on the floor of the forest, waking up to birds chirping, swimming in the pond under the waterfall, fishing the river for dinner, it was great.

This one trip that sticks out in my memory though, I can not tell you when or how old I was all I remember is the moment. My sister and I had hiked up from our camp site to the road. All I remember was that we were laying down out in the middle of the road, no cars, no people just us. The asphalt was still warm from the sun. See the place we went camping was so well forested that the only place you could see the sky was either along the river bank or where the road was. So we laid there in the middle of the road looking up at the sky for hours. We saw the Big Dipper, the Little Dipper, Orion's Belt, the Milky Way and thousands of others, all the basic constellations that most people get to see every night. We laid out in the middle of the road hundreds of miles away from civilization to see them. I remember the feel of that night very vividly as we lay there pointing out stars to each other, when all of a sudden a meteor shower began right in front of our eyes. It was like nothing I had ever seen before and I can honestly say I have never seen another since. To lay there and watch what we thought was shooting star after shooting star was amazing. At one point the whole sky filled with bright white streaks and haze as if someone had thrown sugar all over a piece of black paper. So to say the least I have always enjoyed the night sky and I have always wished I lived someplace were I could just sit out and look at the stars.

Well I guess my wish has come true. The sun has set beyond the horizon and we only get a faint glow in the sky for a few hours around lunch time, the rest of the day is dark and it gets a little more like night every day. Around town here in McMurdo the lights burn so bright it has that same feel of home, where the only darkness you stand in is a shadow. You can get away from town and almost find darkness, that is only because the landscape blocks the direct light from town. Even then if you look up in the sky you can still see the glow from town. Although even with the bright lights from town at anytime, anywhere in town if you look up you see stars. It is truly amazing, I have never seen stars so bright in my life, even during the "daylight" hours you can still see stars.

This week has been beautiful, no wind, no clouds just clear nights. I have found myself with the drive to get away from town so I have taken advantage of these nice calm, clear nights. I hiked out to Hut Point which is down past the ice pier and sat out there for almost 2 hours, taking pictures, looking at stars and watching the moon light up the terrain. The moon is so large here and so bright that when your eyes adjust and you are away from town, it lights up the mountains and the sea ice as if it was day time. From town if you were to look out at the Royal Society Mountain range all you would see is black, you can barely see the sea ice. But if you walk away from town and look out at it, you can see everything clear, the moon is that bright. The night I went to Hut Point the moon was sitting just above the horizon and it had a slim cloud line directly above and below it, you cloud see the reflection of the moon on the sea ice and the glow stretching farther than the eye can see. The moon was a dull orange color, honestly it reminded me of back home when the sun sets into the smog and you see that orange haze on the horizon. It is a sad beautiful, but this was a nice, soothing, peaceful beautiful. From the point I could look out and see three planets I believe they are Venus, Jupiter and Mars. Can you believe that three planets all at the same time in the sky, very distinct. Where else could you see that? Directly above town is the Southern Cross constellation, this is a constellation that you cant see from most of the world, but yet it is directly above me. It was such a great night, I could have stayed out there for hours I was plenty warm the only reason I went in was because it was around 1 in the morning and I had to be up for work in less than 5 hours.

Because the night at hut point was so great I decided to go out the following night as well, this time up to Ob Hill which is the peak on the opposite side of town. I decided to go out a bit earlier this time also that way I could stay out longer. I made my way out and up the hill, just in time to watch the moon rise up and over Mt. Erebus which is the worlds southern most active volcano. This was a site that I highly doubt many people down here have seen. The moon was almost full and was a bright white, just a huge glow in the sky. It was again a clear night not a cloud in the sky but yet it was so bright out that you could see all the way to Mt. Erebus as if it was day. Erebus was just a black outline in the sky and if you looked closely you could still see the plume of smoke that billows from its peak. It amazes me to think about it even now that it was so dark out and yet it was so bright. This night I sat up on the hill for a little over 3 hours just gazing at the stars and the clear sky and watching the moon change as it moved through the night. I decided to pack it in when a breeze picked up from the south, I had already been outside for 3 hours, I was plenty warm but I did not need to test myself in the wind. As I was hiking back to town the wind started to blow in some clouds that engulfed Erebus and then slowly the moon. I saw a lot of great things over those two nights and it is times like this, that makes you forget about the craziness that is this place. Just sitting up on the side of a hill overlooking a town all alone at night in Antarctica. It just doesn't get better than that, well I guess if there was Aurora's. I still have yet to see Aurora's, not only down here but at any time in my life. I am really looking forward to that. I took a lot of pictures over the two nights and only a few came out decent, I played and played with settings trying to figure out how to capture what I was seeing but in the end I think I got some shots that paint the picture fairly well. Nothing spectacular but when I leave here and go home I will be able to look back at these pictures and remember that night and that's the point, right?

A wake up call.....

(Ring, Ring)Ok, open your eyes. Your alive, that's good. Where am I? What happened last night? I remember.....(Ring, Ring)shit the phone, man I hope that is not work calling telling me there is something wrong. Geez, my head is killing me. (Ring, Ring) oh yea the phone, get up, that a boy good job. Should I turn on the light? Oh man my head is killing me, ok no light you can make it to the phone. Ouch!!! God what the hell did I just kick. (Ring, Ring) Wait, where the hell am I? why don't I have any pants on? I have to piss like a race horse... Where the hell is the phone!! (Ring, Ring) Awww there it is.. "hello?", "Yes, this is your wake up call." (huh) wait a minute. Wake up call? Where am I? Was this all a dream? Did I leave? Am I somewhere in Australia at a hotel? Why don't I have pants on? Is this my hotel room? "hello?" Wait, the connection is bad and there is a delay. Ok I am in my room in Antarctica. This is my couch I am sitting on. God I gotta pee, and my head is killing me. "hello?" "yea, I am here" who is this voice, it sounds so familiar. It is a girl, ok I can figure this out. Just let her talk for a minute, hmmm. I am thirsty. Just listen, listen, you know this. You know who this is, why is it so early? Well I guess 9am isn't early. Shut up and listen, wait for it, concentrate, listen you idiot.....

So it was as if someone took a stick and hit me across the face. I all of a sudden woke up and realized who was on the phone, my head stopped pounding, it was still dark, but I could see now and my sentences almost started to make sense. I probably was not that fun to talk to and I probably was not making good conversation. I will tell you what though, hearing her voice listening to her talk(because I was in no shape to do any talking) that really made me feel so much better. It is strange, down here you go months and months without talking to friends or family. And it surprises me at how just a short conversation on the phone, just a "hey, how are you" can completely change your mood. I know that all day I have thought about that call and how I wish I hadn't gone out last night and drank that one too many beers. I also wish I hadn't been working a crazy day/night shift schedule. I wish these things, because then I could have been awake and in a good mood to have a nice conversation. I hope that one day I can get another call from her, I would like that. A few weeks ago I was in a bad mood, just not feeling happy about being here and I called my mom, just so I could go over some financial things and that quick conversation from my mom put me in a better mood for the rest of the week. It was not a deep conversation, it was about nothing important. It was just hearing her voice and knowing that you have those friends and family back home that when you get off the ice they will always be there, they will be the first ones to meet you and have lunch or have a drink with. Those people are what makes going home worth it, and knowing those people are there, makes being down here easier....

Poor Planning....

The day was calm, no wind a balmy 7 degF. Above the sky painted in pinks and purples as the sun barely cracks over the mountains. Not much sunlight left here, it will be total darkness soon. It was a nice day though, still very still. A light snow fell late in the afternoon, it is amazing how quiet it gets when the snow falls. It is as if it just takes a white blanket and covers up all the sounds. I could stand outside the PowerPlant and just barely here the engines, it was so peaceful. It was one of those days that you just want to go lay outside and soak it all up. Except that your in Antarctica and its cold. As I walked up the hill from work, normally the wind just pelting me in the face. It was calm, quiet and nice. I had my hood down, a ball cap on, no beanie or neck gator. I probably could have done without the gloves, but I like my hands to stay warm. I decided I would go out and take some pictures, because it was such a nice day and we had some fresh snow so it adds a clean look to McMurdo's normal dusty feel. I guess what they say is right, it is always the calmest right before the storm.

The storm hit shortly after I got back from taking pictures, I was outside snapping shots when I started to get big wind gusts in my face. A mixture of snow and volcanic dust, a type of cold wet grit just blowing at your face finding its way into your eyes and your mouth. It was time to come down off the hill and go inside. This is when you realize that you were dressed appropriate for the conditions you were in, but when those conditions change you need to evaluate if you are still appropriately prepared for the new conditions. I made my way back inside before it started getting too bad. That was just the storm approaching, that was nothing. That was just the warning to me to get my ass down off the hill and inside, because something stronger was coming. Something I was not prepared for. They say that the storms hit the hardest and with the most force in the change of seasons. We are in that time, the sun is setting and it is getting closer and closer to total darkness. The temperatures are dropping at a rapid pace, more and more every day. Winter is upon us, and the storms are here to wash away the summer. Once the storms have taken the summer away it will be still again, it will be calm and quiet. But it will be winter, it will be that one long night, 4 months of darkness.

This storm slowly escalated Saturday night and all day Sunday. We were in a condition two storm for all of Easter Sunday. This was all a lead up, a lead up to the first condition one storm of the winter. Monday morning as I was on my way out the door to go to work, I got the call to stay put it is going "Con 1". I think its funny when I hear the term Con 1, because that was my nickname during the Winfly season this year at McMurdo. I got stuck out on the ice shelf more than anyone else in condition one's. So I went back to my room and laid low, put on my slippers and watched a movie. Later on in the day, I was called and asked to go check over the PowerPlant because they were having a lot of snow infiltration and water forming in the engine room. I asked what the proper procedure was for completing the task of traveling my way down to the PowerPlant, I grabbed a experienced friend and followed my instructions and safety measures. :)

Upon my arrival at the PowerPlant I found that the engine room's air intake fans were pulling in so much snow that when the snow hit the hot air in the engine room it would turn to water and then rain all over the engines, generators and high voltage electrical cabinets. To add to this the wind was so strong that it was blowing the air exhaust fan backwards and shut it off, causing none of the hot air in the engine room to be let out. This raised the temperature in the engine room, causing more rain and the engines to run hotter. There wasn't anything we could really do about this problem. I grabbed a few large room fans from various buildings and began to set up our own air circulation system to keep the room cool. We closed down the intake louvers so we were not pulling as much snow into the room, but once the louvers froze it didn't make any difference. After every effort was exhausted to fix these problems we went into maintenance mode. The engine room was so poorly designed and engineered that it didn't matter what we did, we could not resolve this problem. Now we just hold on and hope we last out the storm, and deal with the issues once the storm has passed.

The storm tore on for the rest of the day Monday and into the night. Winds hit a high of 76 knots with gusts higher than that. The damage that occurred around station from the storm was not wind related, it was all due to snow infiltration. This storm was a record one, 14 inches in less than 24 hours. The high snow fall combined with driving winds, just pushed snow inside of everywhere. Our nice getaway lounge type building Hut 10, had two windows blown out and over a foot of snow covering everything inside. It looks like one of the cool trendy Ice Bars they have now a days. I was busy not only cleaning up and trying to get things back operational in the main PowerPlant, but our sole back up engine had almost 2 feet of snow infiltration on the inside of the enclosure. The issue with this was that, the room is so confined that you cant dig much to get the snow out, also when the snow blew in it hit the warm engine and melted and then re-froze as ice. So not only was there large amounts of snow inside there was larger amounts of ice.

This storm changed the look of the station. Things like dumpsters, oil drums and raincaps were missing, the wind had blown them several hundred yards or blew them someplace never to be found. There was some snow drift accumulation that was over 8 feet tall around some buildings, I have never seen so much snow accumulate in one place and then 2 feet away it was bare dirt, no snow to be found. The one thing this storm did bring us, was a bit of togetherness. After the storm had dissipated and left a wake of destruction, the town looked like it just got hit by a hurricane. This in turn brought us all together. We all had to do our part to shovel snow and clean up. Everyone from janitors to mechanics to supervisors to just about everyone on station had to do there part to get the station back together. It was nice to see that, it was nice to see everyone putting there jobs aside and help out one another. Maybe that is what we needed, as this weekend is now upon us and another condition one storm is predicted we will see. We will see how this effects the feel of the crew. I am enjoying being here. There really is no place I would rather be, but I just hope that our group, our crew gets some sense of togetherness that lasts. That, I think would make this winter season be fast and ultimately the enjoyable experience I have been looking for.......

The Change........

With the darkness creeping up on us, now less than 2 weeks away. I have began to notice a change in myself as well as others. The sun is virtually gone now, we get a twilight glow for a few hours a day, but right now at 11:00am the moon is still out and a shadow hangs over the station. It is definitely an ere feel. Our winter crew has not jelled together yet like everyone said we would. Before winter started the main reason I was excited to winter was because of all the great people that were staying, the people I had a lot of fun with during the summer months. Well once that last plane left and winter was upon us, all those great people that I was excited to be wintering with locked themselves away from the community. Everyone seems to go to work, get there food to go and eat, drink and hang out in there rooms by themselves or with a select small group. I am disappointed once again. I asked winter-overs from past years if this was normal and at the beginning of the season they said "yes, people hang out alone for awhile but then once the crew jells they will come out and it will be great". Well it has now been almost 2 months since the last plane left and people are the same, so I ask the question again. Is this behavior typical for winter here? Now my answers I receive are "no, this is a really strange winter and the crew just wont jell".

You know last winter at Palmer I had a similar problem. The majority of our winter crew went to Fire School and OSAR Training back in the states before we went to the Ice. During those two weeks we had a lot of fun, getting to know each other and hanging out. So I was excited to get to Palmer and spend the winter with these great people. Once we arrived on station and relationships were formed. We never saw each other outside of work and meals. I asked the same question last year to my buddy Craig who had seen different summer and winter crews at Palmer. Craig, is this season normal or what? His answer was the same as what I am getting this year at McMurdo, at first its normal but the crew should come together and it never did. So now I start to think, what is so different about these two seasons compared to past ones.

The obvious one is I am here. Hmmmmm, could I be causing the destructive vibe of the crews??? Although that could be, I think it goes back to a hiring issue. Both seasons the exact populations and the crews were not finalized until very late in the summer season. So what does that get you? That gets people who are new to the program or new to winters, this year roughly 60% and last year every single person except the station manager had never been to Palmer, let alone wintered there. This poor planning on hiring also gets people to winter that were here for summer and did not intend on wintering. I think this is a big issue, because you get your self mentally prepared to spend 4 or 5 months here and then go travel the South Pacific and go home. When all of a sudden without a break you are now spending 12-14 months here. I would say that 90% of the people I have asked why they are wintering this year, say it is because the economy is so bad back in the states and they need a job or money. To me this is no reason to spend the winter here. There have been years and years of data collected by the military on Winter-Over Syndrome. This is a mental and physical condition that you go through being stuck in a single place for a long period of time with no sunlight, fresh food, new people etc. This effect is a difficult one, people in the past who have this get very depressed and have a hard time re-acclimating to the real world and social situations.

So I go back to my original observation, people aren't being part of a crew or a community. People here are being very self oriented and loners. This is concerning to me, because I am people person. I enjoy the company of others most the time. What this observation has made me do, is look at my reaction to it. I found that I have become very anti-social, I still eat my meals in the galley with others and have conversation there, but beyond that I spend my free time or non-work, non-eating time in my room reading books, watching movies and playing video games. I normally tend to leave the door open so if someone who is walking by decides they want to sit down and join me they can. But no one has taken advantage of this. Everyone who walks by, keeps walking. So alone I sit in my room. I am enjoying my season, I am spending a lot of time reflecting on things I have done, decisions I have made, accomplishments I have achieved all types of stuff that you would normally think about when you are in solitary confinement in prison. It has allowed me to realize who I am and what I want in life and what I want to do in life. With this I plan, I plan the next step in my life. I prepare the decisions that I make today to effect the new path I want to travel tomorrow or whenever I get out of here........

Just for Sarah..

So this post is just for Sarah. Why you might ask? Because Sarah is the one and only person that bugs me and tells me I need to keep putting up new posts. She also had a long rough night, so I thought a nice new blog post might be nice for her to read. So here is a new one.



I downloaded and have started playing around with Adobe Photoshop-Lightroom 2. It is a pretty sweet program, I never knew what you could do with photographs post process before. So mine have all been straight raw images. Not that I am saying I will be doctoring up every image, because I definitely wont, but I think it is a pretty cool tool to help bring out some of the detail that gets lost in a fast exposure. So at the moment I am terrible at Lr, but I am slowly picking it up. It seems like all the pictures I mess with end up looking like paintings and not real. It is a learning curve and I am starting to see results. I have a meeting / training class with a buddy of mine Ken, who uses Lr and is going to show me the in's and out's. So I am looking forward to that. I have also started dabbling in some HDR photography and that is really neat as well, but I have yet to find a good example of what I can do with it. It is made so you can take 3 or more photo's in different exposures and stack them to get different things in the picture in focus. Once again pretty cool concept and I have seen some cool pictures from it, but I have yet to master that either. All mine come out terrible.



So we are definitely falling into winter here, the place is getting quiet, dark and cold. I have began to play around with pictures (man, I must be bored) and play a lot of video games. Yea as fast as I want this winter to go, I am starting to realize it will just get slower. Till the next impulse....

A trip worth telling..

On October 8th 1970, on the first flight into McMurdo for the Antarctic summer season a plane by the name of "Pegasus" a Lockheed C-121 crashed in a severe storm. No one on board was injured, but the plane was so badly damaged it was abandoned and laid to rest on the ice that day. Now talk about a bad way to start off the season. I thought that this winter started off bad for us here at McMurdo while as the last plane of the season the Australian Airbus, was doing its ceremonial flyby we had a engine overheat and cause a station wide power outage. The winter-overs were up at the Chalet sipping on Champagne to toast the last planes departure, when they began to receive pages notifying them there was an emergency. Because of the perfect timing of all this no one actually believed the pages and thought it was a joke. To me I would rather start off a season with a power outage than a plane crash any day.

So the runway that the C-121 crashed upon, is still used today as our primary landing strip for the US Air force C-17. The runway holds the name of the crashed plane as Pegasus White Ice Runway, Antarctica. This is the same runway that I set up and maintained the generators at in the pre-summer season this year. The runway is positioned on the permanent Ross Ice Shelf between Black Island and White Island. This allows the wind that funnel between the islands to carry the snow past the runway and not allow it to accumulate on it.

The C-121 "Pegasus" is still visible today, it is about a half mile off the far side of the runway, and is mainly covered by snow drift. Over last weekend we were able to take a trip out to this little piece of Antarctic history and walk around and watch the sunset. It was a great trip to see how the plane has held up over the years, being buried a little more and more each day. The left side engine is now just barely sticking out of the snow. When we arrived out at the plane, it was just at sunset and once again the sky was filled with bright oranges and yellows, I was trying extremely hard to capture the reflection of this sunset on the plane. I just wanted to take this opportunity to show you some cool pictures.